Perpetual and Imminent
by jenna-pls
Summary: Season 12. Meredith snarled, "The hell do you know, Arizona? You're telling me to check my behaviour when you drove off the same person with your own!" - Callie's public outburst at Meredith rakes up some settled pasts for everyone.


Heavy footsteps approached her and Meredith shut her eyes to brace for the impending scene.

"Meredith. What the hell was that?" Callie spat angrily as Meredith turned to her, "You can't undermine me in front of a patient, and you and I both know this wasn't professional, it's personal." Callie's voice grew as she ranted on.

Before she could reply, she was cut off by Callie, "What the hell do you want from me? You want to fight me for something I didn't do, or– or– ...I don't understand how you think but how could you blame me at all for anything? Or Penny? Is it for being with Penny? And her being here? Did you think I knew about her and was insensitive enough to bring her to your home? It's not even her fault!"

Callie was unable to mention Derek in Meredith's face. She met Meredith's cold gaze and paused her rant.

She ran out of steam. In a small voice, she said, "I–I thought– just a few weeks ago, we were friends," her gaze was unsure, "The same week I first met Penny. So why does anything change our friendship now?"

Guilty, Meredith broke her eye contact with the Latina and looked to the floor in thought. She could not feel sorry for how she felt, although she had this weight in her gut that told her she was wrong, and she felt sorry that Callie got dragged into her business unfairly.

Despite knowing that, she could not bring herself to apologise or reply, so she turned on her heel, head bowed, nearly walking into Arizona. Meredith left Callie behind with half the orthopaedics ward staff still watching the commotion. Arizona stared after Meredith, conflicted over the entire exchange.

* * *

Meredith went to the pit, taking over consults from interns. She was writing an order for a CT scan for her patient where Arizona was examining a pregnant woman next to her.

"Grey! Are you going up into surgery?" Arizona asked, with her default perk.

Meredith glanced up only briefly. "No, why, do you need me?" she replied indifferently.

Arizona frowned at her colleague's mood. "Yeah," she deadpanned, unimpressed, "Female, 40 year-old and 30 weeks pregnant, in an MVC and had her seatbelt on. Baby's not in distress yet but I need to repair a rupture in the amniotic sac ASAP and I could use you for the mum's internal injuries."

"Yeah," she replied to her chart in the same tone.

Arizona had enough with her attitude. "Grey," she snapped, finally getting her attention, "This is a high-risk mum. 40 year-old, pregnant at 30 weeks. And I intend for her to still be pregnant after the procedure. Are you with me or not? I'll just get Bailey."

"Yes, yeah, I am, I'm sorry, I am. I'll meet you in the OR in 30, pass me those scans, please," Meredith replied without looking up, then promptly left after taking the tablet from Arizona, who huffed in bewilderment at what she was seeing from her colleague.

* * *

Arizona felt uneasy about letting a distracted Meredith operate on her high-risk patient. She decided she had to talk to Meredith about her earlier scene with Callie. Although she'd wanted to say more about her behaviour, she didn't feel it was her place. She decided she'd keep it to only what she saw earlier. She rapped lightly on Meredith's door and let herself in.

Meredith only stared back defiantly.

"I told you, I'm sorry–" Meredith said, but was cut off by Arizona holding up her palm, silently telling her to shut it.

"I'm not here to demand an apology. But you're distracted, Grey, and I can't have that in my OR. So as a friend, I'm telling you, you're distracted because you can't apologise, or you won't, to Callie. But you also know that you're wrong to cut her out the way you did. Callie didn't do anything wrong here Grey, and you know it."

Arizona was interrupted by Meredith's snarl, "The hell do you know, Arizona?" her voice raised, "This is none of your business. Callie is your ex-wife! Your ex, because you drove her away," Arizona's brows shot up. Meredith was getting personal, and she didn't need to take that. But she let Meredith continue. At least her anger was getting somewhere outside of the OR.

Meredith continued, "So what the hell do you care? You of all people don't know what the hell you're talking about. You're telling me to check my behaviour when you drove off the same person with your own!" When Meredith realised what she had said, she internally cursed herself. She didn't mean to be so destructive to her colleagues even if she wanted to be left alone.

Arizona blinked after a beat, betraying no emotion. "Grey. Leave your business outside the OR. That's all I ask as a colleague," she insisted gently, before leaving.

* * *

With the pregnant patient on her side, it made for a tricky procedure for both doctors at work. The patient had ruptured her spleen which required removal, and it turned out that Arizona's amniotic sac repair had to be more extensive as part of the patient's uterus had been lacerated which needed to be addressed immediately.

Little was said between them, although Arizona was mindful that Meredith's earlier behaviour was unlike herself, even in her past worse. Meredith took Arizona's lead in the surgery as they both worked quickly to fix the laceration.

The most harrowing of the surgery over, they finally let out a breath of relief. Arizona stayed behind to observe Meredith's splenectomy on her patient.

Her blue eyes studied Meredith at work as she thought of her colleague's earlier behaviour and Callie's very public outburst in the ortho ward which was the current gossip she'd had to endure listening to in her own ward.

"Robbins, what is it?" Meredith asked without looking up.

Arizona hesitated, unsure of where to start. She could feel that Meredith's behaviour had everything to do with Derek, and she had an idea why.

Meredith looked up, "I'm sorry about earlier, alright? I just–I had a lot on my mind, and that was–it was unprofessional of me," she spat the last sentence out.

Arizona's gaze softened as that sentence confirmed things for her. It was anger. Anger over a loss. And Arizona could understand that.

Things started to click for the peds surgeon, about Meredith. She wasn't the closest to her but they shared a bond after the plane crash. She's known and shared enough with Meredith for things to add up.

"Doctor Wilson, close up after Doctor Grey," Arizona ordered.

"It's fine, Wilson," Meredith countered.

"Grey, scrub out now, Wilson can take over from here," Arizona turned and left no room for argument.

* * *

Meredith joined Arizona, a little annoyed. She had needed to occupy her time so she didn't need to think about anything.

Arizona was already scrubbed out and was ripping her scrub cap off. She contemplated in silence, staring into the OR. Then she turned to Meredith, determined for her to hear her.

"Grey. He's dead," she said, matter-of-factly, causing Meredith's eyes to snap to hers, "Derek's dead. He died two years ago. And Penny may or may not have killed him, although you know that she wasn't the one who put Derek in that car crash," Meredith tried to leave, she was done being held hostage in the scrub room and made to address something she was desperately trying to ignore.

Undeterred, Arizona continued, "Even then, I can understand how you feel about Penny because that was exactly what I did to Callie. You were right, I drove her off. She was to me, what Penny was or is, to you. She was the doctor, not my wife. And I took it all out on her."

Meredith faced her fully, but her eyes still darted at anything but blue eyes.

"At the time, I felt I was not married to Callie, but that I married the doctor I wanted to blame the plane crash–," Meredith's eyes shot to hers, "–and the amputation on. Being angry won't get you anywhere. It doesn't get you anything, Meredith. Just look at me. Today, I still don't have one leg, but I also lost my wife, and my best friend. All because I was angry and needed something to blame. I couldn't even see what I still had. Being in the woods and losing my leg, it robbed me of my life and of myself for a while and I believed it was for forever. It was just so easy for me to think about how Callie had cut my leg off, rather than to accept how senseless it was– it is– that accidents like that happen, that I only needed to move on, and there's no real reason why we have to experience loss – any kind of loss." Meredith only frowned in response.

"And that's it, Meredith. There's no one you can really blame for Derek. This world is fucked up," she said earnestly as she tried to contain her emotions, "But we're both still living. You're here. I'm still here, and I'm thankful everyday that I get to have Sofia. I'm so happy I still have her. And you have three kids!" she exclaimed with a laugh, through wet eyes.

Meredith stared at Arizona in awe. She had gone through so much, too. Meredith felt a weight pull in her gut over what she had said to her.

As she thought of her children, Meredith cracked a smile. "Robbins... thank you. I'm sorry," she said in a small voice.

Arizona smiled, then stared back into the OR through the window. Her smile dropped as she said quietly, "You're not even a bit wrong though."

She quickly looked back at her colleague, plastering a smile that did not quite reach her eyes.

"Alright!" she overcompensated with perk, "Great job here, Grey! I'll go update the family."

* * *

Later, as she left her office, Meredith spotted Callie talking to Penny on the bridge.

She gripped her phone in her hand, turning it over and over as she watched them, contemplating what Arizona had said to her.

She slapped her phone into her palm, then slipped it into her pocket before approaching them.

"Dr. Blake. Dr. Torres," she greeted formally, and turned to Callie, "Can I have a word please?"

Callie hesitated, but decided to give her a chance and hear her out. She glanced at Penny, then nodded and silently followed Meredith to the deserted corner behind the statuesque Grey-Sloan Memorial logo.

She picked at non-existent dirt under her nails as she turned to face Callie's frown.

She sighed, "I'm sorry. I–I– just am. I'm sorry, Callie. Please let Blake know that she's off my service if she wants. Webber can take her."

Callie's frown morphed into an expression of surprise. "What?"

She sighed again, "Callie, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blamed you about anything. It was wrong of me. And it's going to take me a while but I'll try to let go, about Blake."

A smile began to creep on Callie's face. She was confused about the turn of events, she had followed Meredith expecting another argument. But she was glad that she had her friend back.

"What–what changed?" she stammered, concerned about her friend now.

"I just–I can't blame you or Penny about anything. At worst, all Blake did wrong was make the wrong call. And I'm not even sure if that's something I could blame her for. Or I don't even think she made the wrong call. It's just– I was just– I hate this. I hate this. This is my problem, not yours. I'm sorry."

"Hate this?" Callie quoted in question.

She looked away from Callie for a moment, collecting her thoughts.

"Derek. I'm mad that he died. But– damn it, I can't be mad at him or the hospital or the truck that hit him, so I've been mad at Penny because she was the doctor and she's here. Someone made me realise that. I know ultimately Blake tried to make the right call, but it was just other things which I can't blame that were at fault," Meredith explained wearily.

"Oh," Callie said, contemplating her words.

Meredith couldn't be mad at the situation so she took it out on the people that she could. Even if she knew, as a doctor, that Penny had made the right call. But there were other people she couldn't blame for Derek's death. So people that she could blame, she blamed. The doctor. The doctor, who was here.

Callie swallowed, suddenly overcome with emotion as Meredith's explanation hit too close to home.

Flashbacks of Arizona screaming abuse at her in the shower hit Callie.

"I get it," her voice breaking, "I get it now," she repeated as she looked away to keep her emotions in check.

 _"You weren't shy about making other decisions for me."_

Callie grimaced and shook her head at the memory.

"I get it," she whispered again. She frowned at the floor.

Meredith watched the self-assured surgeon shrink into herself.

"Callie?"

"No, I get it now," she repeated, seemingly to herself.

She leveled a hard stare at the tall surgeon who was falling apart by the second.

"This is about Arizona," Meredith stated as fact.

Callie, trying to reign her tears in, shook her head in denial.

"Callie..." Meredith tried again.

Her eyes still trained on the floor, Meredith placed an arm on the taller surgeon's shoulder to get her attention.

"Callie," Meredith started when she finally looked up, then she realised she didn't know what to say.

Callie only stared back, her eyes brimming with tears.

"I hated myself too," she said, more to herself than her friend, "I hate myself for making the wrong call, although it was right."

"Now I realise it's nothing to do with me at all. It was never about me."

At the omission of details, Meredith took a while to piece together what Callie was saying to her, but she could not offer any words in return.

Callie stepped back, distraught. Meredith watched from the bridge as Callie left the hospital minutes later, still clad in her scrubs.

* * *

A week later, Callie drops Sofia off at the daycare, then pages Arizona to the attending's lounge.

She watched Arizona approaching the lounge through the large windows and mentally relived her past week.

Arizona poked her head through the door.

"Hi? Callie? Are you okay?" seeing the ortho surgeon's still form, she fully stepped in. "You took off from work for a few days, you okay?"

Callie, stricken in her own thoughts, couldn't help but to just stare back at the blonde.

"Callie?" Arizona frowned.

"Duh–um– I– Sofia, Sofia, she left this behind," she rummaged in her bag and produced an abstract painting made by the 5 year-old, "and since it's your night tonight, I thought–," she trailed off.

Arizona accepted the painting. "Is that all?" she asked, disbelieving. She could still read Callie like a book and she wouldn't have been paged by her without a real reason.

"Umm–" she trailed off again, seemingly content to stare at Arizona. She blinked and looked away abruptly.

Studying the painting in her hand, she lingered to buy Callie some time to cough up whatever it was she wanted to say to her.

She chuckled at the painting, "Sofia's artistic skills have improved so much."

Callie smiled at the painting, still silent.

Arizona decided to just ask, "What is it, Callie? I know you didn't page me here just for this."

Callie looked up, her ruse so easily seen through by Arizona.

"It isn't Sofia, is it? What did she do? She's only 5–"

"No, no Arizona, it isn't about Sofia."

"Callie, what is it, you're scaring me. Whatever it is, you could just tell me," Arizona insisted softly, trying to meet her eyes.

She met blue eyes, then chickened out. "Um–nothing, really. That's all, Arizona. Sorry I paged you for this," she held her breath, putting on a tight-lipped smile.

Arizona eyed her, but she let it go with a nod. "Alright. No worries," she smiled and with that, she was gone.

The past week, the broody orthopod sank even further into herself as she thought of her past. She'd tried to work the first few days, but she proved to be too distracted, especially by Penny, so she'd called off work for the rest of the week. All attempts made to contact her by various friends were met with curt replies that she was fine and was just at home. She felt guilt bite at her about brushing off Penny, but she felt that it might have been worse if she had pretended all was well with her while she was thinking of her past with her ex.

Her conversation last week with Meredith gave her a lot of perspective on some of Arizona's behaviour. She didn't know what to make of it as she felt she was missing something. So she wanted to hear from her ex.

She understood now that a lot of Arizona's anger after the plane crash and amputation wasn't about her, it was just misdirected from her anger at the sucky situation they found themselves in. It changed everything she had thought before.

She had believed that Arizona hated her for going against her directives. And it was evident at times, with her cheating.

But now she realised, she was the doctor Arizona could be angry at. Arizona couldn't hate the pilot, she couldn't hate Owen Hunt for putting her on the plane, she couldn't hate her bone for breaking, she couldn't completely hate Alex. So Arizona got angry at her doctor, and she was married to her hate.

 _You're not my doctor, you're my wife._ Callie cringed at that memory. It made sense to her now why Arizona made that distinction.

Callie had gone through loss after loss at the time – at first Mark, then Cristina leaving, then she watched as her previously bubbly, quietly prideful wife give up on herself.

Initially, Callie had been so happy to see her working again that she didn't realise Arizona was probably coping with her anger, even though misplaced on her, and working through her own issues without her. Callie had simply been eager to see her wife be who she was again.

Now Callie realised, Arizona was probably pretending to be what she wanted to see, while she was still muddling through her issues.

 _I was probably killing her on the inside._

A whole week of her past stewing in her brain led to very few certain answers. She wanted to hear from Arizona herself, but then she wondered if that would change anything.

She was missing a few pieces of the puzzle and she thought she'd confront her ex-wife about it for some closure, but then she couldn't bring herself to ask.

If she left it, what is over is over. But if she did ask, then she would really know. What if she was wrong? It was just as simple as Arizona not loving her any more right after the amputation. The irrational Arizona at the time thought she'd done something unforgivable to her.

As badly as she wanted to know why she'd cheated so she could perhaps move on, she didn't want to hear that she's way off-base about her newfound enlightenment.

Her eyes shot open. _Why do I even care about that?_

Not just two weeks ago, she had been blissful in her new relationship without a care for the world.

 _Damn it. She still has this kind of a hold on me._ She shook her head and left to tend to her work.

* * *

Her heart stopped when she was met with a familiar head of salt-and-pepper hair through a crack in the curtains. When she stepped through them and got a good look at her patient, she felt a pang of sadness at the memory of Mark as he reminded her greatly of him. Her living, breathing patient clutched his left arm, dressed in a black long-sleeved sweater, slacks, and some muddy leather Oxfords.

She plastered on her professional smile, "Afternoon, Mr. Chappel," she read off his chart, "It seems you have a dislocated shoulder."

She walked around to his bedside and prodded around his upper arm.

"Yeah," he replied with a gruff voice, "I was goofing around with my kid at the park, but then the boy decided to jump on his papa from up the tree," he grunted as Callie took hold of his shoulder.

Callie glanced at her patient's shoes. Mark always wore leather Oxfords, even if it was impractical as he brought their daughter out to the park after work. Sofia being an infant wasn't really one to run about and enjoy the greenery, it was more Mark having fun with his daughter. He often got his shoes dirty like her patient, but he never did mind because it was for his _Sofia-rita_.

"Oh, how old is he?" Callie asked instead.

"Sev–" he started to answer, but then yelled in pain as Callie twisted his shoulder back in place.

She smiled sympathetically, "Sorry, it hurts less this way."

Mr. Chappel wheezed in pain, then chuckled, "Oh, you're kidding, doc. Thanks for fixing up my shoulder."

"So your son is seven?" she asked as she put a sling on her patient.

"Yeah," Mr. Chappel chuckled, "Boy's no longer a boy, he doesn't know how big he is any more."

He looked up at his doctor, "Do you have kids, doctor?"

When Callie noted that Mr. Chappel had the same eyes as Mark's, she stepped back to fill in the chart.

She replied with a genuine smile, "Yes, I have a girl, she's almost 6 now."

"Oh, make sure she doesn't jump you from up a tree! Gosh, they grow like weeds. I swear my kid just turned 2 last year," Mr. Chappel said with a laugh.

 _Not a weed. A mighty oak, or whatever._ Mark never did get to see Sofia at 2, nor will he at 6.

"I don't think that would be a problem," Callie kept up her smile, despite the sadness in her heart. "Keep that sling on for 3 weeks, go to the nurse's station to sign some papers, you're free to go, Mr. Chappel."

"Alright, thanks doc!" her patient smiled at her as he swung his legs off the bed, but she could not bring herself to return it.

She stared at her patient's shoes as he left.

 _Mark._

* * *

Kid-free for the night, Callie poured herself a generous glass of red wine as soon as she got to her apartment. And then another, but it still couldn't shut off her brain.

She shuffled through her mail disinterestedly as she plopped her glass of wine down on the table. She glanced up at the photo wall she had in her study and her eyes landed on one of Mark with Sofia.

Her gaze wandered to one of her, Mark, and Arizona holding Sofia.

Her photo wall had a few random empty spots which once held photos of her with Arizona. She had put all of them up because she could not deny that they were still great, albeit bittersweet memories. Eventually she took those of her and Arizona down when she begun to date, but she could easily remember what each of them was. She had been unable to pin her wedding photo up, so her favourite was one where she coerced her then-girlfriend to take a selfie with her while they were out in their park.

She still neglected to fill it with new memories.

Perhaps, nothing would ever be as significant as what was on that wall – present and removed.

She stood up, needing more wine, and was met with a beaming Mark.

"Mark," she said aloud, "what would you say to me right now?"

She chuckled, "I'm pathetic. I'm talking to a picture. Or I'm talking to you."

"I'm talking to you," she decided, "I wish you were here, Mark. You'd probably give me some really bad advice but I'd sure love to hear it right now."

"You should see Sofia, Mark. She's gotten so big, I didn't realise she's turning six soon. Six, Mark! She's going to start grade school soon after, then before we know it she'd start screaming that she hates us, then she'd leave us for college."

Callie finished her glass of wine.

"Mark, I thought it was completely over. Things were such a mess," she recited almost clinically, "She cheated on me, but then I forgave her, and th–then I thought she didn't love me any more. She just wasn't the same person. I thought she hated me from the start. Because I made that call. Then she had that fellowship. But we never stopped fighting. We just–we kept fighting. And for a little while, I was so damned happy without her, I thought I might be happier without her at all."

"N–now I learned that she pro–probably didn't–," she swallowed as her voice broke, "–she didn't hate me, she just hated that shit happened."

She let out a mirthless laugh, "I hated that shit happened too."

"I am happy now, with Penny. I mean, she's great. She gets me. And she–she doesn't mind–," she trailed off.

"Mark, does it–does this change anything, now?" she stared at her beaming best friend.

"Does it?" she asked the photo.


End file.
